This is Why People Hate Attorneys

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These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

Image result for funny attorney

_____________________________ _ __


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________ ______


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

______________________________ ______


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

______________________________ _______


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

______________________________ _ _________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.

______________________________ ___________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


______________________________ ___________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

______________________________ ___________


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a

new attorney?

______________________________ ___________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

______________________________ ___________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

______________________________ _______


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant

to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________ ________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


______________________________ ___________


ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school

did you attend?


______________________________ ___________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

______________________________ ___________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________ ________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,


WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law.



13 thoughts on “This is Why People Hate Attorneys

Add yours

  1. Everyone hates attorneys until they need one ! and then they are your best friend.

    A Rural Country Attorney barters. But a wise one will not take anything that eats.

    One of my favorite attorneys is the famous “Gerry Spence”. His books The making of a country attorney. Seven steps to personal freedom, the smoking gun. and so many more. He is old and retired now, he was an amazing story teller, photographer and attorney. Both he and His wife Imagine are good people. His children run the school he founded in Wyoming.

    And Malia, you are one of my favorite Attorneys also. That is why I am here today. Thank you for years of interesting stories and good advice. May you always be warm, healthy and happy Sincerely, becky.


  2. A Gerry Spence saying,, Be competent, rather than appear competent.. I never saw a fancy suit that could take the place of a well thought-out argument.


  3. Years ago Attorneys did not advertise on TV. But today? First the pharma ad selling a new pharma drug, the next tv ad is an Attorney accepting clients harmed by that drug. Its Pathetic, Unethical and disgusting.


      1. Its not just attorneys, Its pharma and many areas in society. Its trumpland!! Goodness I hope we as a country can turn this terrible behavior around.


  4. Oh that is right Malia. Trump is very very bad, in just the last year and a half that shithole has caused massive problems for public schools. Probably ended many marriages. Caused domestic violence, deaths, fires, bombings, assaults, attacks, hacks and cancer. He is so toxic and foul, I have to take a :shower every time I see his face or hear his voice. He is like our sarah (: x1000 screeeeech.


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