Sarah Palin hasn’t sent any e-mails to Donald Trump. She is much too far away, she’s had a hard time thinking straight since…at least her fall, she’s trying to keep a low profile since her son-in-law criticized Trump, and she can’t find Todd.
If she had sent an e-mail, I imagine it might have looked like this:
From: The Woman Who Was the Ex-Half Term Governor of Alaska 7 years ago
To: THe Republican Nominee for President in 2016
I see you’ve had a hard time with people finding out who you really are. I personally think you are disgusting. Your remarks on that bus were shameful, totally disrespectful ‘locker room’ garbage. Yet I’ve heard much worse from Todd, and I’m still married to him. I tried to help you out by saying I still support you, but you said the check was in the mail, and it still hasn’t arrived. I know your campaign is in the crapper but I have some ideas that might help.
- For 1 Milllion Dollars I’ll say I was on the bus with you and you never said that.
- For 2 Million Dollars I’ll get Dakota Meyer to say he was on the bus with you and you never said that.
- For 3 Million Dollars I’ll have Trig endorse you and you’ll be able to count on the vote of the disabled. That’s double the votes, because they were not only voting against you, they were helping other disabled people get registered to vote.
4. At the debate, the person asking the questions seemed to want you to explain how you’ve changed. That tape was made over 10 years ago. For God’s sake you are 70 years old now. What 70 year old man could rape a young woman. Play to the sympathies of all American men and say that you’ve changed because you are now impotent. Who wouldn’t feel sorry for you? That’s physical evidence that you are a different man now that you are 70 than you were when you were 60. You don’t bother women now because you can’t. Tell them about all the products you’ve tried and none work. Since you never released your medical records, you could write a letter for your doctor to sign verifying that you suffer from Erectile dysfunction. You could have all the women who you “respect” verify your medical condition.
You could also gain sympathy by reminding the electorate about Marco Rubio bullying you.
5. For 10 Million Dollars I would say that you never tried to grab me, that you never called me a bitch to my face, and that you never tried to go down on me. You gotta understand that I have worked very hard to promote my image as a sexy woman so it would be very costly for me to suggest that you didn’t find me attractive.
6. After the election is over and you’re searching for more media attention, Bristol would make some introductions for you to the people at Dancing With the Stars. If that doesn’t work, Todd needs a partner.
7. Carrie Fisher definitely thinks you snorted cocaine before the debate. You could say that you were using at the time of the recording and didn’t know what you were saying.
8. Divert the media’s attention from the audio tape to your continued use of products from China. You mentioned in the debate you were going to bring American made steel back. You are in a unique position to do that since you are one of the people who has used Chineese steel. From steel to ties you have shown you embrace different cultures.
9. If you’d have me come to your rallies, and speak on your behalf, nobody would know what I said, and you couldn’t get in trouble.
10. Dump Mike Pence as your running mate, and pick me! Pence doesn’t support you any more because of his Christian faith. God talks to me and he said it’d be OK to be your running mate. If I were on the stage with you I could simply tell people they should vote for you because it was God’s will. I know. He told me.