Sarah Palin didn’t really send this e-mail. I can only speculate about what an e-mail might look like when Sarah finds out she isn’t even slotted to appear at the Republican Convention.
To: The Donald
From: The Quitter
Subject: Only You Can Prevent Fires
Do you know who I am? Do you want me to reload? Do you want to land in my crosshairs?
How could you think of not inviting me to appear at the Convention?!
Do you know how many cases of arson have remained unsolved in Alaska?
You have several planes.
Do you know what happens to planes if they get water in their tanks?
I was one of the first people to endorse you, even though it made me look foolish to have previously campaigned for Ted Cruz.
When I spoke about you, I didn’t say anything that anyone understood.
I’m not as eloquent as you at saying nothing, but I’m pretty good.
We have so much in common.
- We have both been unfaithful to our spouses.
2. You have a private plane. I’v ridden on one.
3. We both pretend to love guns.
4. Neither of us goes to church.
5. We are both racists.
6. We both are motivated by money and publicity.
7. We both have attracted attention because of our hair.
8. We both have great tans!
10. We both love beauty pageants.
12. Your wife is gorgeous.
So am I.
13. We both like pizza.
14. You live in New York. I have been there.
15. You’ve met Todd. I’m married to him.
16. We both claim to have 5 kids.
17. I have a dog.
You are one.
18. We both have done irreversible damage to the Republican Party.
19. We have both screwed people out of their money.
20. We have both been television personalities.
21. We have both written books.
22. We both wear underwear.I have somebody else wash mine. You don’t wash yours.
23. We have both been made to look foolish by Stephen Colbert.
Remember his epic take down of Paul Revere’s ride.
Then he embarrassed you about the Trump vs. Trump debate.
24. Hillary has attacked us both.
26. You have eight grandchildren, all conceived after marriage. I have at least three, one on the way, and none were conceived after marriage.
27. You believe in a woman’s right to choice, even if it’s a partial birth abortion.
I believe a woman shouldn’t have a choice, even in cases of rape and incest.
There are two big differences between us. I am Undefeated. You might be defeated if you don’t pick me as your running mate.
I don’t think a woman should be punished if she has an abortion.