The following is not true. The characters are fictitious and any resemblance to actual politicians or their wives is purely coincidental. This love letter was never sent, although some with the Romney campaign, might wish that it had.
You know that I already sent you a letter earlier this year on our anniversary. I made it public to help the campaign, but I’m not sure you saw it. I’ve given you such assets to help you get elected, and you are still behind. What is wrong with you? Look, we have a lot of money, so everyone on the campaign has told you that you need to act like we have had a hard time, and can relate to the 53% of Americans who pay taxes. I’ve told you this before, but maybe writing things down will help you remember. We know that 47% of people who don’t pay income taxes will never vote for you. I know your job is not to worry about those people. It’s the other 53% of voters that you should try to reach. Remind them of the hardships in your life:
a. Remember the day your hair cut got cancelled because the barber had a funeral?
b. Remember the day the dentist told you that you had a cavity?
c. Remember the day I got a parking ticket when I was out of quarters?
d. Remember the day we couldn’t decide on the color for the 2nd Cadillac we were going to order?
e. Remember the day someone changed the radio station in BOTH of the Cadillacs?
f. Remember the day we gave Super Hit (our horse) his medicine, and people had the nerve to complain?
g. Remember the day my foot fell asleep and we thought it was my MS causing the problem?
h. Remember the day you had to shoot that rat?
i. Remember the day you called Ann Coulter a moderate, and she called John Edwards a “faggot?” What was that all about anyway? I thought everyone agreed that Edwards was a heterosexual prick?
j. Remember the day when the car elevator wouldn’t bring the car up and we had to call out to the guard house to have one of the guards fix it?
k. Remember the day that you tried to sell some stock and the markets were closed?
l. Remember the day you made that telephone call and got a wrong number?
m. Remember the day we ran out of toothpaste and we had to have the girl go to the drug store?
n. Remember the day the Hispanic yard people cut the grass too low?
o. Remember the day you lost that $10,000 bet with Rick Perry?
p. Remember the day in Pennsylvania when some of those people gave you those 7-11 cookies, and pretended they came from a bakery?
q. Remember visiting in Ohio and the tree heights were all wrong?
r. Remember the day Starbucks got your order wrong?
s. Remember the day you had diarrhea?
t. Remember when we took the wrong passport for the horse, and we got held up in customs for over 10 minutes?
u. Remember all the problems we faced with the kids? You probably don’t remember because you were working so hard at the re-organization stuff, but I remember when:
i. Tag fell, scrapped his knee, and came home with a scab?
ii. Matthew had to have braces.
iii. Joshua had that horrible child call him “stupid.”
iv. Benjamin lost his marbles.
v. Craig wanted to live in a castle, and we had to put our foot down, and said not until you’re 40 years old and your trust fund becomes yours to spend as you wish.
I’m frankly tired of all the people who think we live a privileged life. You have been demonized, lied about, you’re really getting it now.
You’ve tried to make everyone happy by saying just what they wanted to hear, and people are still complaining.
You’ll always be my President,