You Went to Three Years of Law School…For This?


After 12 years of practicing litigation, I hear and saw some really foolish attorneys, and wondered how they got admitted to law school, and managed to pass.  All the lawyer-jokes that you have ever heard were true, and the following were all questions really asked by attorneys

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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19 thoughts on “You Went to Three Years of Law School…For This?

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    1. Anne,
      Glad you enjoyed them! I feel that the best thing about being a lawyer is that I can make fun of lawyers with impunity.

      Like

  1. Speaking of law school, has anyone pressed the big O(bama) why he never practiced law? And why Michelle left law abruptly? Talk about not using your education and just your empty suit in life.

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    1. Yeah, I guess doing volunteer community service using your skills is an awful thing. I’d love to compare the impact you have had on helping our country to the impact Michelle has made.

      Like

    2. President Obama worked as a civil rights attorney and taught constitutional at the University of Chicago Law School from 1992 to 2004. He was a community organizer PRIOR to going to law school. He was elected to the U.S. Senate in 2004, after serving as a state senator from 1997 until his election to the U.S. Senate. His community organizing work, which is routinely denigrated by the RWNJ’s, consisted of forming a job training program, a college preparatory training program and forming a tenant’s association devoted to improving conditions in the projects in the South Chicago area. This was NOT volunteer work as it was mocked by Palin, he had responsibilities and far more than she ever, ever assumed as Mayor of Wasilla since she hired a city administrator to do the job of the day-to-day running of the city. Palin hired him within a few weeks of becoming Mayor as she soon found out that she was not qualified nor competent enough to do the job of Mayor, the same position she had earlier claimed as “not being rocket science, it’s only 53 employees and $6 Million”.

      As far as Michelle leaving the law “abruptly”, where do you find this bullshit? Do you get those emails that are regularly debunked by bipartisan sites on a regular basis due to misleading information being spread about the President and First Lady? Michelle has a license to practice law and so does the President, however, they are both on an inactive status, AT THEIR REQUEST. Michelle’s work at the University of Chicago Hospital did not require a license to practice law and rather than continuing to pay malpractice insurance, continue CEU’s and any other ongoing requirements by the Illinois State Bar Association that are necessary to maintain an active license, she chose to put her license on an inactive status. This is not unusual or by any means a sign of there being a problem with her license or her husband’s. Look at Congress and you’d have a difficult time counting the number of attorneys who are currently members of Congress yet how many of them are on inactive status in their home state? Probably a large majority. However, the RWNJ’s would rather spread rumors and innuendo about the Obama family than admit that there is no problem with their inactive status regarding their license.

      As for your empty suit comment, how does your history of employment stack up next to the President’s? He’s been employed since he graduated from Columbia other than the years he was at Harvard Law School. Maybe you were thinking about Palin when you wrote that as it’s far more appropriate to call her an empty suit. In fact, it’s quite an apt description as she’s done nothing noteworthy other than malign anyone who she does not agree with or who dares to disagree with her. Quitting the governorship is far more indicative of an empty suit. Now, run along back to C4P and whine about how the left just doesn’t understand Princess Sarah because that’s about the only place that still attempts to defend her.

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  2. My wife has gone to sleep now but these jokes will be the first thing I will show her in the morning, to enjoy with her coffee.Very funny.

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    1. Pjevs,
      I can tell you from personal experience that these are not “typical” answers because the witness were obviously very quick witted, but I have seen many stupid questions from attorneys.

      Like

  3. Thanks for the many laughs from your post. I would never have thought they were actual responses if you hadn’t said so in your post. I know many competent, hard-working and intelligent attorneys. However, if Orly Taitz could pass the CA Bar and Sarah Palin can be elected Governor, it’s easy to now believe these are actual answers from licensed attorneys. It’s time to set the bar (pun intended) quite a bit higher to keep out those who have much lower standards.

    Like

    1. Kate,
      In my first year as a new associate, I was thought to be lucky to have a job at a big Dallas firm, as I went to the University of Oklahoma. As it turned out I started my job with attorneys that has gone to, among other schools, Harvard and Stanford. Within a year of starting work the Harvard and Stanford attorneys were gone, and I went on to be a Senior Partner. You’d think that ATTORNEYS from Harvard and Stanford were really bright, but it’s not necessarily true!

      Like

  4. I know several people who went to Harvard and Stanford and graduated on their own merits but I also know many who went to these and other Ivy League schools and made it to graduation by the skin of their teeth. Unfortunately, the latter still felt they were entitled to high paying jobs immediately out of school based on their parents good name or net worth. So I’m not surprised to see that you made it and they didn’t. You’ve proven your tenacity and shown your devotion to the truth being made known in your repeated attempts to wake up the state of Alaska to Palin’s having taken advantage of a law she signed into effect mainly for her own ability to profit from the same.

    I truly admire all you’ve done in shining the spotlight on Palin’s past. Officials in Alaska may continue to overlook these illegalities but at least far more Americans are aware of what government officials like Palin and others get away with on a regular basis. Thank you for such an informative blog!

    Like

    1. Kate,
      Thank YOU for your support! It is because of people like you that I feel my time isn’t wasted given the lack of accountability I seem to find, repeatedly in Alaska. From the police, to the Fish and Game department, to the Attorney General, it seems that nobody will hold Palin accountable. If she runs for any office again, we will hold her accountable.

      Like

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