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In honor of Rick’s declaration that he’d like to be considered again for President, Funny or Die has released this tribute to the loser Mr. Santorum.
In an exclusive interview, People magazine reports on an interview of Sarah Palin regarding her description of the Palin Family-Secret Service Brawl that took place yesterday in Kentucky. As of this morning, there have been no pictures posted to the Facebook pages of Dakota Meyer or Sarah Palin indicating that the family barbeque ever took place. Bristol’s blog doesn’t have any pictures or reports on the party. Thus there is no independent way to verify the truth of this report. However Sarah said it was true,so it must be. This is what anonymous media sources are reporting:
Tripp was the designated shooter for the brawl. He wasn’t supposed to be consuming alcohol at the party, so he was the logical one to be chosen.
Whether because of his age, his violation of rules regarding legal age for consumption of alcohol, or just his desire to tryout his new gun, Tripp reportedly opened fire on the crowd. Sarah was reported to have asked Tripp if he knew who she was. In the hurry of the guests to remove themselves from the line of fire, someone stepped on Bristol’s sunglasses. She was interviewed by police after the fact. It was unclear what happened, but it was clear that it was a fucking mess.
Bristol’s sunglasses were broken, and she spilled her drink, which she was holding between her knees.
In the confusion that erupted during the shooting, the rings got mixed up. Sarah ended up with the diamond,
and Tripp ended up with the gun-barrel ring.
Fortunately the only person actually injured in the shooting was Bristol. It seems that her breasts were caught in Tripp’s crosshairs. Bristol has been heli-ported to the local hospital in Wasilla for breast-realignment surgery. Doctors from the Mat-Su hospital are reporting that they expect Bristol to have a full recovery, although she may never dance again.
The members of the Secret Service reportedly arrived to protect the 2008 Vice Presidential candidate and her husband. A.T. Smith, Mark Sullivan, Charles Edwards, and David Nieland were all there. At the time Tripp opened fire they were passed out in the barn at the Meyer’s family farm, having consumed to much of what the Palins were shoveling. Tripp escaped as he ran away from the lone agent, who was still conscious. Tripp jumped the fence on the Meyer family farm, using the family dog for leverage, and ran into the woods.
Todd created a diversion for Tripp as he made his get-away by distracting David Chaney. Chaney was reportedly found this morning hung over. Dakota Meyer’s father claimed that Chaney under-paid him for use of one of his favorite horses the previous night.
Chaney’s attorney was reported to be giving “no comment” regarding the incident. Joe Clancey, the acting director of the Secret Service, said that there was not one “scintilla” of evidence connecting Chaney to the horse in question. The Washington Post reported this morning that Chaney has resigned from his position at the Secret Service, but tomorrow we expect to find out that Chaney is still on the payroll of the Secret Service.
Sarah Palin reported that she was invited to appear at the family barbeque. She was asked to bring barbeque moose, and her signature blueberry pie.
Being the multitalented politician that she is, Sarah Palin was first seen serving food to the many guests in attendance.
After dinner she bestowed the Family-Virtues Medal of Honor on two worthy recipients, Dakota Meyer and Josh Duggar.
On the flight home Sarah unexpectedly gave birth to Siamese twin boys that she is naming Twin-One and Twin-Two. She explained that the choice of names “Twin” had nothing to do with the physical malady of Siamese twins. All the boys in the Palin family have “T” names, and “Twin” was the name of a distant uncle who gave his life in service of his country. The names “One” and “Two” were chosen by God.
“Willow” was kind enough to provide a glimpse into what could have been…
What a Palin wedding would have looked like: “Epic Wedding Fails”
“Epic Wedding Fails Part 2″ on YouTube
“Best Wedding Fail Compilation 2015
I wonder if she saw him in one of these clips?
Sarah Palin has a Serpent’s Heart sent us this link this morning.
This is the image from “enjoygram” that Bristol posted.
Instead of saying what she is talking about, Bristol alludes to the need to “trust in God’s timing”. She could say that she just couldn’t bring herself to marry a man that was still married to another woman. She could say that she just couldn’t marry a man who had been involved with another woman, who was not his wife, for over a year before he and Bristol moved in together.
(Dec. 20, 2014)
Some speculate that it was Sarah who caused the split of Bristol and Dakota. Rumor is that Trig found a document on Sarah’s computer that was leaked through his babysitter. It seems unlikely that Dakota would be willing to comply with Sarah’s plans for him. This is a copy of what the babysitter said Trig said that Sarah said:
PLANS FOR DAKOTA
1. Change his first name. “Dakota” has two parts, a north and south, like my friends in Korea, and both are cold. Both parts have only a few electoral votes. The police there are too honest.
“Texas” is a better name. There’s not a north and south part. It’s not cold. They have a lot of electoral votes. Ted and Ted shoot animals there.All the Palin men have “T” names.
2. Change his last name. “Meyer” makes people think of wieners.
A better choice would be a symbol of the cross-hairs of a gun. If Prince can be known as a symbol, Texas could too!
3. After the name change, he be perfect for a reality show, “Texas’ Texas.”
4. Texas should adopt Siamese twins, preferably athletic ones. The special needs child adoption had already been done.
5. Texas should suggest he might run for political office, and start his own PAC. It would be called the TexasPAC, and would pay for the travel expenses of all Texas’ relatives.
6. I’ll introduce Vaughn Ward to Texas so he’ll know a good speech writer.
Besides, Vaughn owes me for that endorsement.
7. I’ll introduce Texas to the man who can teach him how wrestle alligators.
8. I’ll get Todd to explain the pros and cons of failing to file tax returns on money made from illegal activities.
9. I’ll get Todd to introduce Texas to his friend who knows how to set a fire.
10. I’ll get Dave Parker to put Texas’ name on the short list for Judges in Alaska, if all else fails.