You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘Funny’ tag.
They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins will keep us laughing all evening! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:
‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.
Jimmy wouldn’t even need his machine to determine if Palin was telling a lie. If her mouth was running you could predict she was lying.
These are pictures associated with cell tower infrastructure. In what world does anyone believe this is the subject of dinner conversation at the Palin household?
These are closer to what the Palin family might really be talking about. Enjoy!
If you like that one, Check these out!
Us4Palin has confirmed that Sarah has answered a burning question in the minds of all who support her. What does the Palin family discuss at the dinner table? Possible topics included:
1. What Todd would have to wear in jail if he is found guilty of tax evasion.
2. What rehab place has the best tacos for Sarah.
3. Why is Trig’s favorite word “bullshit”?
4. How can we get more money?
5. Why does Dad keep entering the Iron Dog race when he keeps losing?
6. Did mom really make her shoes out of electrical tape? Did she steal the tape from Levi?
7. Can we sue the people who sold mom the drugs she used the day she gave this speech?
8. Who’s idea was it to blame it on the failure of her teleprompter?
9. What else is mom “seriously interested” in doing?
Watermelon seed spitting?
Velcro Dwarf tossing?
No, none of the above. Sarah has confirmed that the answer is “cell tower infrastructure.” Even I couldn’t make this up! Us4 Palin has reported that she really said this! Just imagine the conversation between Todd, Sarah, Trig, and Piper as they discuss Fermat’s Last Theorem, whether the theory of cosmic inflation is correct, and cell tower infrastructure.
If you have completed the Sarah Palin POP QUIZ #1, you are now ready for the next level of difficulty. Test your knowledge of Sarah Palin.
1. Lisa Murkowski gave an interview in which she conveyed that Sarah Palin was an idiot. She said:
a. Sarah Palin is dumber than a pile of rocks.
b. Not all her dogs are barking
c. Sarah Palin lacked intellectual curiosity.
d. Sarah Palin has shit for brains.
2. Sarah Palin prides herself on her skills
a. operating a boat
b. driving a motorcycle
c. driving in the winter weather
e. none of the above
3. Sarah Palin asked at the SNL 40th anniversary event what question?
a. How much someone would pay her to run for President?
b. If everyone knew who she was?
c. If anyone noticed how nicely tan she was?
d. If anyone knew where Todd was?
4. Sarah was wearing something the SNL event that had previously been worn by Bristol. What was it?
a. Bristol’s monkey suit.
b.Bristol’s red dress.
c. One of Bristol’s camouflage outfits.
d. none of the above
5. How old is Sarah Palin?
d. none of the above
6. Name one charity to which Sarah Palin donated money.
a. The National Downs Syndrome Society
b. The National Society to Prevent Abuse of Women.
d. Sarah Palin
7. Who lost control of their bladder in the street in Alaska?
a. A Moose in a cage about to be shot by Sarah Palin on national television.
b. Michelle Bachmann as a result of laughing after dancing with her husband.
c. Bristol Palin
d. One of the members of the audience of the Colbert Report when he did his re-enactment of Paul Revere’s ride, according to Sarah Palin.
e. Someone in front of a computer watching a man grab a tomato through a rotating fan.
8. Which members of the Palin family had blood on them after the family brawl?
a. Chuck and Sally
b. Todd and Track
c. Trig and Tripp
d. Hadassah and Trig
9. Who was not seen at the Palin family Thanksgiving dinner?
a. Donald Trump
b. Ronald Reagan
c. John McCain
d. all of Sarah’s natural and adopted kids
e. all of the above
10. Why didn’t Sarah go to Cambridge to speak as she was scheduled to do?
a. She couldn’t find a Cam bridge anywhere in Cambodia.
b. Sarah was giving birth to another special needs child.
c. She ran out of electrical tape.
d. They told her she had to cover her shoulders if she wanted to appear.
11. Where was Todd when Sarah was in New York for the SNL special?
a. Setting fire to the offices of the Secret Service.
b. Setting fire to the home of a nurse who knew about the delivery of the child known as Trig.
c. Setting fire to the records department of Sarah’s church.
d. Setting fire to a dairy in Alaska.
12. Sarah Palin was invited to give the commencement address at what university?
d. University of Moscow (one of her alma matters)
e. None of the above.
Answers – 1.c ; 2. e.; 3. a; 4. d; 5. a; 6. d; 7. c; 8. b; 9.e; 10. (unknown); 11. (unknown) 12. e.;
While Sarah herself never disclosed why her hand was that color, at the SNL 40th Anniversary show, speculation is rampant today. What caused her hand to turn brown/orange, and why would she be foolish enough to wave her hand in this way for everyone to see its color? She could have worn gloves, like “normal” people because of the blizzard conditions in New York, and nobody would have thought anything about it.
People across the internet have offered several ideas to explain this behavior:
1. Sarah thought tanning was attractive and in her haste to apply tanning cream she put it in places where you would not normally tan.
2. It was just photoshopping by the lamestream media to add that color to her hand. She was giving a high-five to her mama grizzlys.
3. Since she is “officially” in “show business” she was making a gif for “high five” as her friends at SNL had previously done.
4. Sarah has been known to misspeak. Being ever mindful of the plight of the disabled, she was attempting to communicate with the hearing impaired. Unfortunately she got the sign wrong. The “knock yourself out” sign was the one she should have been making. She is an idiot for signing the wrong sign for “idiot.” In the future when you see Sarah on the news just make this sign on your forehead, and you’ll feel much better. All those hearing disabled, and readers of this blog, will understand.
5. She was trying to divert attention from the rest of her body.
6. There is one other possible explanation, but I’m too polite to discuss that one!