“Sarah Palin’s Alaska” on the Discovery Channel was not intended to be a comedy, or to highlight potential disasters with which America has had to confront. Sources inside the Discovery Channel reported that, “the whole thing [was] comical.” A Discovery insider disclosed that, “When the promo was over, people (employees and buyers) were rolling their eyes, snickering, and even laughing. People were laughing and it’s not even a comedy. No one took it seriously.” There was an indication that Discovery might have to dump the show to “a crappy time slot” to cut its losses. They added, “Bottom line everyone thought it was a new all time low for Discovery. My guess is the show is going to tank big time.”
The Discovery Channel employs some sophisticated marketing experts. Recognizing the stupidity of Sarah Palin, they adapted their thinking. Realizing that their most popular show is “MythBusters,” and given their commitment to pay Palin at least $250,000.00 per show, the executives at Discovery have adapted. In an unprecedented move for Discovery Channel, executives have admitted their mistake. Instead of attempting to appeal to people who think it’s fun to watch turkeys being slaughtered, Discovery has identified a much larger segment of the population; those who think of Palin as an uneducated moron (in the satirical sense). “MythBusters” will present the following beliefs, and determine if there is any validity to the allegations.
These are the myths that the show will feature:
1. Sarah Palin’s father really gave her moose eyeballs after the big kill, and she liked it.
Result: True. Palin did receive moose eyeballs from her father, and thought they were a touching memento from their hunting trip together. However, even though the eye balls were still warm Palin wouldn’t agree to hold them. “MythBusters” has disproved that Palin’s vision is enhanced by the addition of two more eyes.
2. Todd Palin was thrown 70 feet from a snowmobile in the Iron Dog Race, and that’s why he doesn’t speak.
Result: Partially True. Todd Palin was actually thrown 70 feet from a snowmobile, but he broke his arm, not his head. There is no indication that his failure to speak is the result of anything other than heavy alcohol consumption, or a general dislike of being associated with his wife.
3. Sarah Palin really calls Trig the “retarded” one, that she called for the resignation of Rahm Emanuel for using the same word, and thought it was perfectly acceptable for Rush Limbaugh to say, “Our political correct society is acting like some giant insults taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards…”
Result: Partially True. Levi Johnston did say Sarah called Trig the “retarded one”, but Levi now says that he is a liar, so “MythBusters” is unable to confirm or deny this statement. “MythBusters” can confirm that Palin called for the resignation of Mr. Emanuel for using the word “retarded”, and that Palin thought it was appropriate for Limbaugh to use it because he was using it in the “satirical sense.”
4. Sarah Palin’s sister-in-law was arrested for burglarizing a house and her 4 year old daughter helped her.
Result: Partially True. Diana Palin, Sarah’s sister-in-law was arrested and charged with burglary having been caught by the owner of a home, and held at gun point until police arrived. Diana’s 4 year old daughter was there, and had been told to wait in the car. Like many 4 year olds, she didn’t follow her mom’s instructions, and entered the house. Children have a tendency to blame themselves for bad things that happen, so Diana’s daughter may blame herself for her mother’s arrest. Therapists are working with the child to help the child understand that the owner of the house was hiding in the bathroom with his gun, and would have caught her mom, regardless of the daughter presence.
5. Doortje (meaning gift of God) Van Dijk(meaning of “dike”) from the Netherlands, fell into a coma after hearing that Sarah Palin said that the solution to the Oil Spill in the Gulf was to build dikes. Her final words were reported to be “Sarah Palin is a Dumb Ass”.
Result: Partially True. “Doortje” and “Van Dijk” are both Dutch names, and both have the meanings identified. There is however no such person. Sarah Palin did suggest on the Bill O’Reilly show that we should build a dike to keep the oil from reaching land. It is true that Palin is a dumb ass, and that her comments on the Bill O’Reilly were enough to cause any person of average intelligence to slip into a coma.
6. Sarah Palin is considering a future career as a wedding official, based upon her experience presiding over a wedding at the Wal-Mart in Wasilla.
Result: Partially True. Palin has lost popularity and she did officiate in a wedding held at the Wasilla Wal-Mart. Jake and Rosalyn exchanged vows next to the menswear aisle. Sarah is reported to have been “teary-eyed” (Benet 106). However it is unclear whether Palin is considering anything for her future other than more violations of the Alaska code of ethics.
7. Sarah Palin has secured a role in the Disney movie “Sleeping Beauty II” which is the tragic story of a beautiful woman rendered permanently speechless in a tragic hunting accident.
Result: Total Fabrication. Matt Damon did say that Sarah Palin was like a “really bad Disney movie.” However Sarah Palin has never been hired by Disney for any purpose and Palin has never been speechless.
8. Sarah Palin is a worthless human being.
Result: Total Fabrication. Thanks to Sarah Palin, Tina Fey has become a household name. Fey’s impersonation of Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live generated some of the highest ratings for the show which has aired for the last 35 years.
9. Sarah Palin is singularly responsibility for the spread of PDS (Palin Derangement Syndrome) across all continents and hemispheres.
Result: Completely True. People afflicted with PDS have been documented to reside in Canada, Europe, Africa, and Australia. PDS has only become epidemic in the United States.
10. The Discovery Channel has modified it programming to substitute “Sarah Palin’s MythBusters” for “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”.
Result: Total Fabrication. Discovery has not yet made such an announcement, but Malia Litman has submitted this article to the Discovery Channel.